Star Trek Shorts
by LauraCynthia
Summary: A collection of short gags, amusing moments, trolling and more! Please review! UPDATE: Kirk freaks Keenser out in the cargo bay with a little unwitting help from Scotty.
1. Trolling the Doctor

It was Open House day on board the _Determination_, and the senior staff of the _Enterprise _had been cordially invited to attend. Kirk had accepted on everyone's behalf. As it was the first of its class, there was no small measure of excitement over this event.

They had been through the brand new ship from stem to stern, and had been duly impressed by the gleaming walls, the spacious quarters, and the well-organized engine room. The bridge was the last stop. Everyone had admired the view from the screen, and Kirk had tested out the captain's chair for 10 seconds before declaring it "not _quite_ the same" as his, in a tone that indicated he preferred his own.

Walking to the back of the bridge, he spotted McCoy staring at a display screen, and it was clear by the frown on his face that something was bothering him. Kirk checked the screen – _huh…what's he thinking? That's just temperature controls – looks normal, too._

"Something on your mind, Doctor?" he asked, putting his hand on Bones' shoulder. Scotty was over at the next console, reading something off the screen silently, his lips moving as he studied various system diagrams.

His lips pursed, McCoy blew out a breath and sat down. "Still can't figure it out." He shook his head from side to side, then tapped a tab on the touch screen to reveal the ship's schematics. "Look here, Jim." He stabbed a section of the screen to highlight it. "Can you tell me why in blue blazes they would put the sickbay directly under the bridge?"

Scotty looked up from his screen, a small smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "'Cause that's where all the trolls live," he muttered under his breath as he walked past them to the turbolift.

Both men looked up at him. McCoy's frown deepened and his face turned red. "I heard that!"

Scotty's grin grew wider. The turbolift doors shut, taking him away.

It took 10 minutes for Jim to stop laughing.


	2. Bones Wants To Be Left Alone

**This was inspired by the 2013 video game and an ad I saw for _Almost Human, _Karl Urban's short-lived crime show. Enjoy!**

Kirk burst into the room and stunned the infected Vulcan. He crept behind the dazed individual and cut off his air until he fell unconscious.

_That's one down_, he thought as he let the man sink to the ground. He paused to listen as McCoy's voice came over the communicator, staticky and unclear.

_"__There seem to be high toxin levels. Origins unknown. Will continue to investigate…"_ The feed cut abruptly.

"Bones?...come in, Bones….you still there?" Kirk looked behind him, but Spock hadn't caught up yet.

"No! I mean, chhhhhhhhhh…."

Kirk glared down at his communicator. "Nice try, Bones….."


	3. Scotty Trolls Again

**Also inspired by the game. Scotty can be really mean...**

"Scotty – we're pinned in! DO IT NOW!" Kirk popped up from behind the cargo crates and fired the rifle at the attacking Gorn. The creature collapsed after getting off a few rounds himself.

"Aye, aye, Captain," Scotty replied.

He dropped into a crouch and into cover. Spock did the same. They both waited for the familiar glowing energy spirals to surround them.

None did.

Spock looked at Kirk, confusion evident. With a frustrated sigh, Kirk clutched his phaser rifle in one hand. "Mr. Scott, you're not beaming…." he called in an annoyed, sing-song voice.

"Oh, yes, I aaaam…" Scotty replied. There was no mistaking the grin in _his_ voice.


	4. Keenser Needs a Dictionary

**Know your English...cuz one wrong word can make ****_all_**** the difference...**

Scotty walked down the hallway, Starfleet duffle slung over his shoulder. After a particularly gruelling month of system upgrades, he was finally going on shore leave.

He rubbed his tired eyes. The more he thought about it, maybe requisition red tape _was_ a blessing in disguise.

"All those back orders I been waiting for….wouldn't ye know it, they all came in at once…"

"Fail."

"Indeed, laddie…..oh, goodness, there ye'are, Keenser. Here and I thought ye wouldnae come after all." Scotty looked down and to his left to find his friend in casual garb, dragging a bag that was almost as big as he was. "Let me take that for ya –oof! What are ya bringing along with ya, the warp core?"

Scotty shifted his bag to his right shoulder and carried Keenser's on his left. "Ahh, vacation! Now the fun part begins. I've been meanin' tae visit the advanced propulsion facility on Tyteros VI for three years….a few of me old classmates work there now. It's a far cry from Delta Vega, let me tell ye….warm breezes, blue skies…"

Keenser looked up at him as they turned a corner. "Honeymoon."

Scotty dropped the bags on the floor. "It's not a bloody honeymoon!" Several people turned to look at him. His face flushed, and he crossed his arms. "Do ye even know what the word means, now?", he asked in a stage whisper.

If Keenser could ever be said to look confused, he did now. "Vacation."

Scotty's quickly went from indignant to amused. He chuckled. "Well, it is, and it isn't…."


	5. The Ambassadors Who Wouldn't Shut Up

**Some songs live forever...much to the crew's dismay.**

_Ugh…._

Kirk rubbed his throbbing temples with both hands, and noticed that everyone appeared to be doing the same. Even the usually stoic Spock sat with his eyes scrunched together, drawing in one frustrated breath after another.

Chekov covered his ears. "Ughh…it zounds like eet's coming from _eweryvhere_….." He shared a pained look with Sulu, who nodded and groaned.

"Anything you can do to block it out, Lieutenant?" Kirk asked Uhura.

She swivelled around in her chair, removing her earpiece and rubbing her ears. "Sorry, sir,….the Vrudans are known for having…powerful singing voices."

_Not to mention a lousy taste in music. _The doors opened, and McCoy strode in. He was wearing a pair of winter ear muffs, but they were doing no good whatsoever, as evidenced by his tight features and gritted teeth.

"It's all your fault, Jim….you just had to go and authorize access to our archived databases!" He stuck his finger in Kirk's face. "I tried tah mitigate the damage, but…" He waved a hand in the air. "No soap."

"My fault?" Kirk crossed his arms. "Explain."

"Seems they found the song in the ship's music library."

``You`re kidding me…..`` Kirk sighed. ``I swear, I didn`t know it was there….`` The apology showed in his eyes.

``I believe you….``

Kirk closed his eyes. ``What exactly did you do, Bones?``

``Thought maybe if I got them good and drunk, they`d fall asleep and shut up. But it didn`t work!`` McCoy huffed. ``They got louder!`` He threw his hands up in the air and strode towards the door. It opened to the sound of….

Nothing.

Everyone looked around, disoriented. McCoy paused in the doorway.

"Is that…._silence_?`` Sulu asked, stunned.

``I believe it is the cadence of the ship`s systems, Mr. Sulu…`` Spock was as surprised as anyone.

The bridge crew let out a collective sigh of relief. Everybody paused what they were doing to listen to the relative quiet of ambient noise.

It lasted for only 30 seconds before the Vrudans began another rousing chorus of "Tro-lo-lo".

_"__Ahhhhh ya ya yaaaah, ya ya yaaah, yaaah, ya yah..._


	6. Meld-mares

After a day of meetings with one department after another, 2 disciplinary actions and a very annoying vaccine for E'pir corona virus, Captain Kirk was thoroughly worn out. It was the first time since he woke at the unearthly hour of 05:00 that he had been able to be alone without somebody nattering in his ear, giving him a list of demands, asking him to save the day, or lecturing him within an inch of his life. He leaned forward in the chair and covered his eyes with his hands, yawning. Whoever it was who had the bright idea to to make the walls of the recreation room stark arctic white needed to be shot. And revived. And shot again.

"Augh…" He forced one eye open, then the other. Scanned the room. Held his breath and listened. _Ahhh. Completely, blessedly empty. _Even S'akitg had retreated to his quarters for the night. Kirk allowed the lines between his eyes to soften. The Etroidan was known to haunt this room at all hours of the day. Quite literally, to the point where 3 ensigns and a lieutenant refused to come in unless he was absent. _Just because he's translucent is no reason to fear him. Oh, yeah, and the fact that he hovers – no, lurks- in the corner with that inscrutable look on his face. Come to think of it_, he chuckled_, they may have a point there._

He leaned back in the soft chair and yawned again. The soft fabric gave way to his form. He was seriously considering replacing the captain's chair with one of these. _Yawn. When was the last time I ate?_ _I-I can't even…._ His eyelids drooped. Then popped open. Then shuttered halfway. He pulled his legs up on the chair and turned slightly, so his left side was leaning on the backrest. _…stay…awake. Must….,_ he protested even as his body relaxed. With a soft snore, he settled in, his arms tucked close to his body and his mouth half open.

_The sky was glowing a pale blue as he floated on the clouds ever so gently. He reached his hand out and scooped up an armful of frothy cloud. He plumped it carefully between his hands. It firmed up like a feather pillow, and he bent at the waist and placed it on the ground. _

_He reached for another bundle of cloud and lifted it by the edges. He shook it lightly in the breeze, and it spread wider and thinner, becoming a soft blanket of mist. The warm wind wisped through his short hair, and he laid the blanket down too. Smiling to himself, he eased down and lifted a corner, preparing to rest beneath it._

_Suddenly, the cloud gave way from underneath him. He struggled to comprehend the magnitude of what was happening, even as his body slipped through a large gap in the ground. Arms flailing and gasping, he dropped like a stone. _

_The clouds around him were different; thick, ominous and foreboding. Thunder rumbled and the wind was buffeting his uniform; he closed his eyes, still thrashing in a battle against gravity. _

_And then, as if by – magic? Divine intervention? – he stopped falling. _

_Breathing heavily, he tried to calm his racing heart rate. He looked down and saw, beneath his feet, nothing. Nothing. He whipped around, frantically. Nothing. He was surrounded by blackness._

_A small point of light caught his eye. He looked towards it. Far off in the distance, but coming closer by the second. No….not a light. A face…._

_"__Awaken, Captain." _

_Spock?_

"AHHHH!" Kirk flew out of the chair as if his warp engines had kicked in. He landed with a _THUMP! _on the floor. His heart flew into his throat and pulsated as if it was fighting its way out through his trachea. He looked up to see Spock standing next to the chair, completely unfazed, as if his captain always greeted him with a scream and a vault. One eyebrow lifted. Well, maybe not _completely_ unfazed.

He inched backwards slightly and winced. "Ah,…Spock….what is the matter…..with you? Can't you just….tap me on the….shoulder?" he asked, noticing for the first time that only one of the commander's hands was behind his back. The other was frozen mid-air, as though he was reaching for something. Or…

"What the heck did you just do?!..._Meld _me awake?!"

Spock seemed to notice for the first time that his hand was still lifted. He lowered it and clasped the other one. "Captain, when you did not arrive on the bridge this morning on time, I was concerned for your wellbeing. I went to your quarters but you were absent. This caused further consternation. Recalling your inoculation, I inquired of Dr. McCoy, but he informed me you had not been there since yesterday. His request that I track you down was accompanied by several choice words, which if I were to repeat them would undoubtedly cause unwarranted tension between you and himself. ( I suspect he was merely frustrated and anxious, not hostile, however, and I do believe if you apologized, he would be willing to overlook it.) It then occurred to me that given your busy schedule yesterday and the certain fatigue you would be experiencing that you had gone to the one place where you could be certain of both comfort and solitude apart from your private quarters or office where anybody who wished to locate you would naturally look.

"When I arrived here, I found you in this chair, in a state of slumber that was considerably deeper than usual. You did not appear to be in medical distress; in fact, you seemed quite peaceful. My tricorder revealed no trace of drugs or toxins; therefore I could only assume that you were merely enjoying respite after your trying day. I considered shaking you awake, but I felt that would be disruptive. Yelling loudly I dismissed, as well as applying a needless stimulant. Therefore, there remained only one solution in my repertoire, and I used it."

"You….used…it." Kirk shook his head, still unable to believe what he was hearing. Then again, it _was _Spock….

He stood up carefully, then walked slowly towards his first officer. "Don't you _EVER _do that again," he cautioned, even as his eyes betrayed his slight- _very slight-_ amusement. They turned and headed for the exit, Kirk walking ahead, Spock behind him, watching protectively. "Man, and I thought only Pike could freak me out like that….."


	7. Spock Uses His Noodle

_Buzz._

"Door's open." _Whoosh._

"Why did you lie, sir? And about something so trivial?"

Kirk squinted at his first officer, as though he was giving off some kind of powerful glow. "Lie? Who did you talk to?!"

"Only you, sir."

"O-kaaayyy…..so tell me, what? I've been in my office since 0700 hours….haven't seen or heard from anyone save you today." Kirk steepled his fingers together on his desk.

"When one's instinct is to lie about the most basic and inane details, one's friends and colleagues cannot help but be concerned." Spock regarded him with a look bordering on worry.

_Friends first, huh? You're giving away more than you realize, Spock…._

"I still don't understand. Maybe you could, you know, explain this whole thing to the reprobate."

"When I pressed the chime, you told me the door was open. Yet it was not. I had to activate it myself. So I will ask you again, sir; why did you lie?" His gaze flicked upward. Then he frowned. "Or did you honestly believe it to be open? In which case you were experiencing mild hallucinations-"

_Siiighhhhh…_

"-both of which are worrisome."

Kirk spread his palms wide facing forward. "Spock, it was an expression. 'Door's open.' As in, come in, I'm not having a top-secret meeting you can't attend. As in, enter, I'm not petting a bunny rabbit or finger painting. As in, I won't bite your head off – figuratively or literally- if you appear. Got it?"

Spock's worry lines disappeared. "Ah. Thank you, sir. You have put my mind at ease. Now, to the real reason I wished to see you. I was heading off to have lunch, and as I was leaving, Lieutenant Stickley asked me to pass these on to you." He slid the tablet he was carrying across the desk.

Kirk picked it up and scanned the screen. "Requisitions to sign off on? Okay….if you'll just hang on a minute or two, I'll take care of it. Sit," he admonished, indicating the chair across from him. Spock lowered himself onto the seat, his eyes still fixed on Kirk.

_What are you thinking?_ he wondered, settling back into the chair. He focused on the screen before him. _Let's see…..replicator parts…a new shuttle to replace the one we lost on Freijna…..check, check,….double check….approved….that's going to be late, most likely….what the?!_

"Pool noodles?"

"Yes, sir. A tubular flotation and amusement device constructed out of foam for usage in the water."

"I know what they are, Spock." Kirk burst out laughing. "Somebody wants…_snort!_...200? Are you kidding me? What on earth are they intending to do? You see? _This_ is why requisitions take so long to get filled, even for us. Idiotic requests like this one." Spock eased back into the chair. He looked pleased…and maybe a bit relieved. _Relieved?_ Kirk was puzzled. Then he scrolled down and saw who had requested those particular items.

"Okay….." Kirk leaned back and propped his feet up on the desk. "Spill. What do you want 'em for?" Spock remained quiet. "C'mon, pal, no way are you leaving until you tell me what you're going to do with 'em…"

"Nothing, sir." He stood up and moved towards the door, but Kirk was quicker. "Uh, uh. Who's the liar now?" He blocked the doorway with his body."Didn't I just say I wasn't going to let you go? Out with it."

Spock opened his mouth, then closed it again.

"Spock?"

Spock sighed. "Very well, sir. If you must know, that was a…performance evaluation."

"A performance evaluation?" Kirk considered this for a few seconds, miming the use of a magnifying glass. "Yeah….still not seeing it."

"The other requisitions were indeed genuine, sir. I added that one in an attempt to determine whether you indeed read through and carefully considered such documents before signing off on them or not. I was initially concerned when you said that you would only take 'a minute or two.' However, my apprehensions were allayed when you correctly identified the spurious request." He turned and walked away from the door. "Clearly 'a minute or two' _is_ adequate for you."

Kirk crossed his arms, with a scowl that faded into a smile. "You know, I should be mad at you for doubting me after all this time, and I sorta am, but…part of me also has to give you points for originality." He licked his finger and drew an imaginary tic mark in the equally imaginary 'Spock' column. Then he crossed the floor and picked up the tablet again. "Big fat 'X' for the pool noodles. Sorry buddy." Kirk grinned as he popped the 'request overturned' button.

Spock stood with his hands behind his back. "It is fine, sir. I was not planning a pool party, anyway."


	8. Spock Leaves A Lasting Impression

**A little** **clarification; this takes place after** **the Gorn attack is repelled in the video game. Spock had to heal a broken leg bone Kirk suffered as a result of falling off a Gorn ship into the rubble of a building it crashed into on New Vulcan, early on in the game. Apparently, he thought his work was very well done. (at least in my story.) A work of art, to be precise. You'll see...**

**Unlike the previous 2 other shorts inspired by the game, this was not imagined while playing the game.**

It's never a good sign when your doctor starts to laugh during your physical.

After two days of cajoling and several threats, Kirk had finally agreed to more than a cursory patch-up of the cuts and scrapes incurred while rescuing T'Mar from the clutches of the Gorn. A security detail consisting of Lieutenants Hu'tian and Xabora had met him at his door early that morning.

"Thanks, but I think I know the way to medbay." Kirk yawned and tried to brush past them, but a firm grip on his arm stopped him.

"Sorry, sir. Dr. McCoy insisted." Xabora's bright yellow eyes glinted in the dim lighting of the hallway. She released his arm. "Rather forcefully. He mentioned no less than six things he would do to you if you failed to show up."

"Ouch….sounds painful." Kirk rubbed his neck. Just thinking about the possibilities made him wince. "Well, seeing as there's no way out of it….lead the way."

And so he had walked between the two security officers to the turbolift, then out and down the damaged hallway to the good doctor's lair. Medbay was unusually quiet that morning, despite its messy appearance. Only two nurses were visible in the large room. One of them covered her mouth in a yawn as she pointed to something on a display screen. _Night shift filling in day shift, I guess. _Amazingly, the computers seemed to be in good shape after the events of the previous incident. A few wall panels hung open, and some wires dangled loose in an out-of-the-way corner. But the dead Gorn and blood splatters had been cleaned up. _Bones wouldn't have it any other way. _

After a bit of work, Kirk stiffly sat down on a biobed, one leg crossed under the other, which swung back and forth. His escorts stood off to the side. Hu'tian remained straight, his spine curved away from the divider, while Xabora shifted back and forth on her feet, restless. A low growl issued from her stomach, and she blushed bright blue.

"Hungry? Don't stay here on my account." Kirk smiled. "I'll be good, I promise. Fingers firmly _uncrossed_." He held up his hand to show her. She didn't answer.

"You heard the man. Put something in your stomach. Can't work on an empty tank." McCoy stepped in around the divider and past the security officers. "Well, I'll be. I got you right where I want you." He folded his arms across his chest. "Nice work," he called to Xabora and Hu'tian as they departed, he as rigid as before, she at a clipped pace that indicated she was more than eager to get to the mess hall.

"Good morning, Dr. McCoy," Kirk sang, in a childish kindergarten-student-to-teacher kind of way. He shifted on the bed, stretching his leg. "Ouch…man…"

"Not so pleasant for you, huh?" McCoy pulled up Kirk's records on the display. An image of his face appeared next to a long list of maladies. "If I'm not mistaken, that's the one you busted, correct? We'll take a look at that in a second. First, I want to shake your hand." He extended his hand to Kirk, who looked at him, confused, before taking it and pumping it up and down in an unsure way. "Congratulations."

"For what?"

"You were exposed to a deadly pathogen for a whole day and wonder of wonders, did not catch it. That, my friend, is quite the achievement." He prepped a hypospray. _Oh man…._

"For me or anybody?" Kirk leaned back on his elbows, pointing up and to the right.

"Both, but especially you. Hold still." He pressed the injection device to the side of Kirk's neck with a _hiss._ "That oughta take some of the sting out of your leg."

"Or merely distract me with a pain in the neck."

"Either/or." McCoy shrugged.

"Which you are, by the way." Kirk sat up and eased backwards.

"Ha ha. Straighten it out if you can, please." McCoy touched the X-ray imaging tab on his computer screen. Kirk extended the leg, squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath. "For crying out loud, I'm just taking a little picture, not lancing a boil." _Click_. "Okay, you can move now….I-….have… ha-" He froze. _What? _"Fffft!" He covered his mouth, but a few flecks of spray hit Kirk in the face.

"Nice," Kirk muttered as he wiped his cheek with his sleeve. "And not very sanitary, _Doctor_. What's gotten into you?" _And what does it have to do with my X-ray?_

By now, McCoy was leaning over the bed for support, laughing his head off. After a few more seconds, he straightened up, wiping away tears and sputtering. A few more chuckles, and then he coughed a little before swallowing. "Sorry, Jim. I-I just…lost it for a second there."

"Apology accepted." He tipped his head to the side. "Care to explain what's so funny about my battle wound?"

"It would appear that Mr. Spock fancies himself quite the _artiste_." Kirk gripped the edge of the bed as McCoy continued to stare at the screen. "Funny, I never would have guessed it of _him_."

"You're talking in riddles." Kirk stabbed the air with his finger. "Out with it."

"See for yourself." McCoy swiveled the screen so Kirk could see. His gaze traveled along the image of the formerly broken bone. It appeared to be perfectly restored. _What? I don't see any- wait a second….No. Way._

There, at the end of the bone, near his ankle, written with a flourish in calligraphic script, was one word;_Spock._

"He didn't." Kirk facepalmed "Ugh, I'll _kill_ him."

McCoy placed his hand on Kirk's shoulder. "Easy there, Jim. I can get rid of it like that." He snapped his fingers. "The engraving is only 3 millimicrometers deep."

Kirk peered between his fingers at McCoy. "Only."

"Yes, only." McCoy smiled at Kirk. "Think of it this way," he drawled as he reached for a tool. "Green-blood couldn't sign your cast, so he did the next best thing."

_Maybe so….but I'm still going to get him for that._


	9. When Slaps Speak Louder Than Words

_If it's important enough, you'll forget your fear and do it anyway._

Leonard McCoy learned that lesson today. And Jim Kirk would never forget it.

It was just about noon on Golostyn III and the fourth sun was rising into a pale green sky. For the first time, he was blessedly alone. The crew of the _Enterprise_ was supposed to be on shore leave here this week. And nearly everyone was, except for a skeleton crew in charge of monitoring the systems and securing the ship.

Oh yeah. And Bones.

Kirk still couldn't believe his friend had opted to stay on board instead of coming along for the adventure. _"C'mon, Bones," _he'd begged._ "Stick around here too long and you'll become as shrivelled as one of your pickled specimens." _To which McCoy folded his arms and let out a long-suffering sigh, pinning him to the wall with a glare. The kind that said, _Don't you have somebody else to pick on besides me? _Kirk decided to get out of there before he came up with a verbal retort. Or remembered some obscure scan or missing booster shot.

_Oh, well. Your loss, Bones._ Kirk peered over the edge of the bubbling crater lake. Swirls of saltwater-tinged air played with his hair and moistened his face. A smile curved his lips. _This is going to be epic….. _He backed up a few steps and crouched into a running position on the plateau. Then, as if a pistol had gone off, audible to no one but him, he lunged forward and threw himself off the outcropping.

His first sensation was absolute silence. _Whoa…_ Then a buffet of wind across his face, pushing his skin against his skull and making his body shudder. He stretched his arms back against his sides and dropped like a bullet, towards the green-tinged water below. Pulled his legs towards his body and folded up like a trifold brochure, rotating in midair. Shut his eyes as his body collided with the surface of the water.

_Wet….dark….everything was exploding….white foam…..where are my legs? Kick….falling…still falling….air….._ He blinked hard and sucked in a breath. It tasted like the water, but….

Kirk flailed around weakly, his hands exploring the deep. His knuckles grazed a soft surface. He pressed harder on it, and while there was some give, it didn't break. He opened his eyes wide. A transparent layer of water surrounded him. Wait…. _I'm in a giant air bubble. No wonder I can still breathe. _He kept his breaths even and shallow, trying not to panic. _Okay, think….how do I get out of here? _

Kirk leaned against the side of the bubble, his muscles tensed. Yet he felt his body slowly rising from the crater floor towards the surface of the water. _Why am I still moving?_ _Oh….because I'm breathing. Hot air rises. Maybe that's it…._ He arched his back, toes pointed towards the bottom of the bubble, hands spread and stretched out towards the sky.

_SHWHOOKIP! _The bubble burst all around him, sending droplets spilling into the water. He gasped for a lungful of air, letting it back out in a whoop that echoed all over the surrounding rockface. "Yeah! Ha ha! Ha-" Kirk choked on his yell, swallowing hard. "Yay," he whispered, grinning to himself.

Kirk dog-paddled shorewards, pulling himself out of the water and onto dry land. Sopping wet, he bent over in a kneeling position before standing up on weak legs. He raised his hands in the air. _Nailed it._

He spun around as a rustling sound caught his ear. Sudden swirls of light appeared in front of him, and several members of his crew materialized. Nobody appeared to be amused; Spock was frowning intensely, while a wide-eyed Uhura stood next to him, clutching his sleeve with one hand, covering her mouth with the other. Chekov looked as though he either wanted to cry or ask him what it was like. Maldonado was pointing his phaser in Kirk's direction, still unsure whether this drenched creature was indeed their captain. Flanigan was facepalming with both hands, and Nyes'Isai'van had turned a peculiar shade of bright purple.

Spock spoke up first. "That was very foolhardy, Captain…." He let his sentence trail off. The others quickly continued his thought.

"What were you _thinking_?"

"You could've been _killed_, sir…."

"Very was it perilous. Very was it unnecessary."

"Are you sure he's in his right mind?"

"Captain…."

"Hey, whoa….calm down…" He extended his hands, palms facing them. "I'm alive, I'm unharmed, I'm okay. So let's just….move on, alright?" But they had already turned their backs on him. Transporter light swirled around their bodies, and they disappeared as quickly as they came.

Kirk raked his hand through his wet hair. _Oh, man… am I in trouble…they're not going to let this go. I'll probably hear about it for days…._

He reached for his communicator to call the transporter room. But before he could make the call, he heard a whoosh and the air shimmered before him again. _Now what?_

A human form appeared 2 feet away. _Bones?_ He barely had time to register the visitor's identity before he felt a rush of air followed by a sharp _CRACK_! and stinging pain as McCoy's open palm made contact with his left cheek.

"Ow!" Kirk stumbled backwards, his hand instinctively reaching up to cover his reddening face. McCoy frowned angrily at him, remaining there for the briefest of seconds, before vanishing in a bright column of moving light.

Kirk continued to stare at the spot his friend and doctor had just occupied. He rubbed his face and let his arm drop to his side, before placing both hands on his hips. _Huh…I thought he hated transporters…_

**McCoy, strangely enough, has no actual dialogue in this. :)**


	10. Every Starship Needs a Chief Wet Blanket

"Zhere she is, Keptin."

Kirk leaned forward in his chair, the panorama of Iad's golden seas lighting his face with an almost angelic glow. His eyes were lit up like Christmas lights as he looked in wonder upon the planet before them. "Really something, isn't it, Mister Chekov?"

"Beautiful. Like a dream." Chekov's right hand was poised over the touchscreen delicately, frozen mid-tap. His left was tucked under his chin, elbow planted on the console. Sulu, on the other hand, leaned back in his chair, his controls momentarily forgotten. Other members of the bridge crew had similar reactions. Some had left their stations behind altogether, mesmerized by the ethereal sight.

_It'd be a good time to attack us, that's what._ Leonard McCoy observed from his usual place near the back of the bridge. Close to the turbolift if his services were required elsewhere. _Which they usually are when something cool's happening. _Not to mention far back enough that he didn't feel as though he was about to fall through the viewscreen, down, down, down, through the atmos- _enough! Don't go there! _

"Ahem…" Everybody turned in Spock's direction. He was standing at his station, poised, with one eye on the viewscreen and the other observing the reactions of the crew. "While it _is_ fascinating visually from this vantage point…." He made his way to the centre of the viewscreen, effectively blocking most of the planet, making quick eye contact with the others one at a time. His gaze met McCoy's last. "….there _are_ other considerations. What do initial scans show?"

"Sorry, Mister Spock." Spock waved his hand as if to say, _Never mind. _"Atmosphere is similar to Earth….a leetle on ze smoggy side. Hot, too….somezing of a desert. Current daytime temperatures reaching…." Chekov tapped the screen. "103 degrees Fahrenheit…whew!" He wiped his forehead, as though he could already feel it. "Am not detecting any humanoid life vhatsoewer."

"Probably can't take the heat." McCoy fanned himself idly, striding up next to the captain's chair.

Kirk looked up at his approach. The glazed look was gone, but it had been replaced with one of –what? Resolve? Joy? Defiance? McCoy wasn't sure. _Maybe all three._ Whatever it was, it propelled him out of the chair with a hop and carried him to the front, where Spock now perused a display readout.

Sulu noticed his sudden appearance. "I assume you want to stick around, sir?" he asked, drumming his fingers on the console.

Kirk appeared thoughtful, before his features hardened, but not in an angry expression. Rather set, more like gelatin than concrete. "Standard orbit, Mr. Sulu. We're going planetside." _I knew it._ He spun on his heel and headed back towards the chair. As his eyes met McCoy's, his expression changed yet again. The corner of his lips twitched, and his eyes filled with a tiny bit of mirth. Aside from that, his expression appeared professional. _What's so funny? _McCoy wondered.

It didn't take long for him to get his answer. Kirk leaned against his chair, arms crossed over his chest, and flicked a lazy glance over at him. "Standard objections, Doctor McCoy."

_Standard what?_, he mouthed. Kirk waved a hand at him, palm facing up. _Go ahead,_ he seemed to say.

Then it hit him. _Oh for crying out- have I become that predictable? _ McCoy pressed his lips together, trying not to smile or laugh or do anything that would validate the little weasel's attempt at levity. He scanned the bridge and found to his dismay that nearly everyone was waiting with bated breath for him to speak up. Even Spock appeared to be curiously observing him. Waiting.

A moment of silence passed. _What to do? Stomp off the bridge with a scowl or just humor him? How long can they keep it up, anyway? I've got work to do – better things than being the butt of a joke. I'm a doctor, not a comedy relief!_ _I-_ A fine spray issued from his mouth. He swallowed, hard. Then sighed. _All right, all right! Get it over with, Len…._ He extended his left and right index fingers, then touched one to the other, counting calmly, with the ghost of a smile and a touch of irony in his voice. "Number one, it's too dangerous. Number two, you'll be killed. Number three, we don't know anything about the place. Number four…"


	11. Impromptu Childminding

Spock had just lifted the spoonful of Runirian green potato soup to his mouth when the door to his quarters buzzed. _Who has disturbed my meal? No attempts to contact me have been made on my communicator, so I assume it is not an emergency on the bridge or elsewhere. _The buzzing continued, almost frantic. He dropped the spoon into a diamond-shaped bowl with a soft _plunk _and stood, moving slowly to the door.

He pressed the button to open the door. "What has happened?" Lieutenant Marianne Marsden stood there, arms full with a large bundle. A Starfleet duffel bag was slung across her body, also overflowing. "Finally, an answer... Take her," she breathed, thrusting the bundle into Spock's arms. She removed the bag and left it at his feet. "I'm late for my shift! If she cries, rub her back!" she shouted, running down the hallway and disappearing into a turbolift.

"Lieutenant - wait! What are you referring to-" The bundle squirmed. Spock flipped back a square of blanket and found himself looking into the brownest eyes he'd ever seen. They were like liquid chocolate, sparkling with tiny teary stars. Feather soft black hair peeked out from a knitted pink hat which matched the pink sleeper decorated with little moons that she wore. The chubby baby in his arms pouted, a pinched look on her face.

Then let out a howl like a banshee.

Spock backed into the room, bending down momentarily to grab and hoist the bag at his feet. _Ah...a supply kit, or "diaper bag". Presumably with everything one would require to mind an infant._ The little one flailed and twisted in his arms, sobbing. "Illogical," he told the child, looking her in the eyes. "You do not yet possess the motor skills necessary to launch or complete an effective escape. Stop this at once." _But apparently babies have_ _no sense of logic... _He walked over to the small table he'd been sitting at before and placed the child on her back. The baby continued to cry, her little feet kicking in the air. One kick arced to the side and knocked his soup onto the floor with a loud clatter. Spock briefly eyed the bowl before once again lifting the screaming child.

_I was given instructions...what did she- ah._ He cradled the child next to his chest, disregarding the fresh soup stains on her legs, and began to rub her back in soft, gentle circles. The little girl trembled against him, a choked, hiccupy sob every now and then coming from her throat, but eventually she stopped fighting the first officer and settled down, snuggling just under his chin.

"You have made the right choice, Cadet," he whispered. _Cadet?_ He gazed down at the top of her head. "A mutiny against your superior officer would not be wise." She looked up at the sound of his voice. "I confess my familiarity with human growth and development as a scientist has in no way prepared me to monitor an actual human infant. Therefore you will have to permit me certain...failures." He wiped a smudge of soup off her cheek with his thumb. She squirmed slightly at his touch. Spock carried her over to a soft chair in the corner and laid her down gently in a sitting position.

_Odd...am I bleeding?_ He glanced between the child's stained sleeper and his own damp uniform shirt, touching it with his fingers before bringing them towards his nose. He sniffed. _Not cuprous...pain absent..._ He turned and saw the overturned bowl, spoon underneath, still lying on the floor. _Ah._ "Remain where I have placed you, Cadet Marsden, while I clean up this spill." She regarded him from her chair, almost quizzically. "As I do not know your given name, I hope you will allow me to refer to you as such." She smacked her lips together. "I take it that was a yes." He bent over the scattered tableware with a sponge in his left hand, placing the objects on the table with his right, then proceeding to make short work of the pool of green liquid. "I shall attend to you next. Presumably your bag contains a change of attire." The baby grunted before letting out a soft sigh. Spock wrinkled his nose, coming to the only conclusion likely. _Evacuation, no doubt...which will require a change of something else._

* * *

><p>Nyota paused outside Spock's closed door. He had not been answering his communicator and she was concerned. <em>An hour late for shift...that's not like him.<em> Her brow furrowed. After trying for 13 minutes to raise him on comms, she'd given up and decided to find out herself. Jim had raised his eyebrows comically as she'd headed for the turbolift, and she'd just shrugged. She'd leaned against the wall of the car and sighed. _If he's in there staring at a rock or something, I'll kill him._

Now, as she lifted her hand to press the doorbell, she noticed the lock indicator icon was unlit. _Strange...why would he leave it unsecured?_ She moved her hand towards the door control and pushed on it. The door slid open with a _swish_.

"Spock? Anybody home?" She rapped lightly on the doorframe, taking halting steps forward. A muffled sound was coming from around the corner. _What is that?_ Nyota rounded the dividing wall and looked up. "Why haven't you been answering-"

"Stimulus."

_Squeal!_

She was totally unprepared for what she saw. Mister Spock, First Officer of the _Enterprise, _not to mention Chief Science Officer, was seated in a metal folding chair. Across from him, Lieutenant Marsden's baby daughter Ella lay, wriggling like a little worm, eyes alight with joy. She waved a pudgy fist in the air at him. Her yellow onesie was decorated with lavender flowers.

Spock placed his hands palms down over his face, completely obscuring it. "Stimulus," he repeated, uncovering his expressionless face. Raucous laughter bubbled from the baby again. Nyota leaned against the wall, arms crossed, a smile slowly drawing her lips apart as she touched them with one hand. _I never expected _**this**_..._

"Having fun?" she cooed.

Spock started before rotating in the chair to face her. Surprise played out over his features. "Nyota?" She tapped her wrist twice. He looked at her in confusion before blinking and eyeing a large display screen on the wall. "I am late? Why did someone not contact me?" He moved to rise, but she raised her hand in a stop gesture.

She sighed amusedly. "Been trying to. You weren't answering, Spock." Nyota moved away from the wall and came to stand beside him. "This little cutie must've been getting all your attention." The baby girl looked over at Nyota briefly, before reaching her little arms for Spock again. "Hello sweetie...I think she has a crush on you, Spock, " she laughed. "I didn't know you knew how to play peek-a-boo."

"I do not know what you are referring to. I discovered this reaction quite by accident." He lifted the child into his arms, shifting her to balance her weight.

Ella grabbed for a lock of Spock's hair, mashing it in her clenched hand. "Eeeee!" she screeched happily.

"I was in the process of replacing her soiled garments with clean ones when she grabbed a small washrag and threw it at my face. When I removed the object to clear my vision, she reacted thusly." He covered his face with one hand, then removed it. Ella giggled again and clapped her hands. "Her responses to the sudden appearance of my face primarily involves laughter." He picked up a previously unnoticed bottle of baby formula from the table and pressed it to her pink little mouth. "I believe she finds me amusing. Though I cannot imagine why." The baby sucked noisily on the bottle, eyes closed. "Naturally, I was curious as to whether I could replicate her reaction to the unexpected visual stimuli. Perhaps then I could discern its origin."

"Naturally." Even as she said the word, she imagined how Dr. McCoy would've reacted if she'd asked him to accompany her. _I'd pay money to see the look on his face..._

"Also, I would not attempt a meld without her mother's consent. Unless I felt it was necessary." He gazed down at the little one, who was now falling peacefully asleep in his arms, formula dribbling out of the corner of her mouth. He stepped closer to Nyota "She is _rather_ distracting, is she not?"

"Yes, she is," Nyota smiled, touching the baby's soft cheek with one finger. As she watched Spock cradle the child in his arms, one thought passed through her mind.

_Someday...he'll make a great daddy._

**This was originally going to be funny (Spock saying "Stimulus" instead of "Peek-aboo"), but it's so sweet! :)**


	12. Keenser Gets Left Out Of The Loop

"Back so soon?" Scotty grabbed a blue rag from his belt and mopped his face with it, before looking up to face Kirk. The captain was peering down at him with a fatigued expression.

"Not exactly. Zerbexians kept us busy for 5 whole hours." Kirk rubbed the back of his neck, twisting it gently with a series of soft cracks.

Scotty let out a low whistle. "Surely you canna mean I've been down here _that _long…" He climbed up out of the access hatch one rung at a time. "If'n ya don't mind my askin', what was it like?"

"The flora or the gravity?" Kirk offered a hand to the engineer, who glanced down at the yellow grease stains before accepting. With little to no effort, Jim yanked him out of the hole and dropped him on his feet next to the gaping doorway.

Scotty kicked the flap shut, laughing. "Well, I guess that answers the second half of that question! So my little experiment was a big hit then?"

Kirk nodded. "Couldn't have done it without you, Scotty. Any tech device that saves me a trip to sickbay is a winner in my books." He rolled up the sleeves of his yellow uniform shirt to reveal a flat black wristband studded with tiny silver filaments.

Scotty smiled. "Well, you can show me your gratitude with a tall glass of me favorite, on you. Ya dinna have any problems? No electric shocks, even?"

"A bit of tingling, but that's all. Nobody ever suspected I had help. Bones was a little jealous, though. Made some smart remarks about wanting to test my blood sugar." Kirk bounced up and down on his toes.

Scotty let his thoughts drift to the reason this little gadget existed in the first place. Zerbex III's gravity was markedly high, due to its immense size, yet it still boasted a lush variety of plant life that the science department was eager to catalogue and sample. After requesting permission from the Zerbex _Halung_, it was agreed that a team would be allowed to collect several varieties of vegetation. Though Kirk had initially wanted to sit this one out, it was Spock who had urged him to attend. Apparently the Zerbexians considered it rudeness on the part of any leader to send his second-in-command in his stead with no good reason. ("_Tell 'em I'm sick_." "I cannot lie, sir." And so on.)

The problem was the strain the planet's gravitational pull was sure to have on Kirk; how could he be an effective representative if he had to struggle with every little movement required? He really didn't relish the idea of getting a hypo stimulant with unknown medical side effects bound to manifest. Coffee, on the other hand, would have an entirely different side effect. The thought of having to excuse himself every hour or so had no appeal.

And so he had approached Scotty a week ago and posed the problem to him. Now, if there was anything Scotty liked, it was a challenge. So he'd missed his customary "hour" of sleep (as he called it) three nights in a row working in his quarters with miniscule tools. The result was a lightweight band to be worn on the wrist that generated a personal gravity dampening field, lessening the planet's effects on the wearer and making it easier to perform duties.

Needless to say, he got more than a few approving looks from the Zerbex, and quite a few disbelieving ones from the landing party, Ensign Hart in particular. The poor botanist looked as though he thought his captain had stepped out of the pages of a comic book.

Scotty reached for a tablet lying on a crate and flipped through the tabs on the screen. Keenser chose that moment to walk into the cargo bay. "Back," he called before retreating behind a column.

"Took ya long enough. I'll be right with you." He put the screen on screensaver and looked back up at the captain. "So, about that drink…."

"Can't. I only got half an hour free. But," Kirk paused, flexing his banded arm, "I could help out around here for the next 20. That'd leave me five for a shower and five to show up." He cracked his knuckles. "So….what needs doing?"

Scotty waved an arm in the direction of a pile of storage containers. "Ya see those crates over there? Well, they're all Doctor McCoy's, and heavy as all get out. When we got them in, he told me to put 'em on the port side. So I did. Not two days later, he told me to move 'em to starboard so he could access something else he wanted. Done. _Then_ he tells me he wants them in cold storage…..anyhow, I must've moved those flamin' things halfway back to Earth when he decides he wants them where I originally put them the first time! All this and Fulton borrows the ETT, _without asking_, because Nurse Mendel thought it would be fun to play transporter tag in the holodeck. Overloaded the circuits and now I cannae budge these hulking boxes one fool inch." He let out a loud sigh before making as though he was going to kick one of the crates.

Kirk folded his arms over his chest. "Oooookaaay, just a wild guess here, but the point of that story was: you want me to test out your newest toy on these things?"

"Please?"

"Sure thing, Mr. Scott. Least I can do," he grinned, rolling up the other sleeve. "Should have it done in no time."

Keenser poked his head out from behind the column. "Hey."

"Hey yourself," Scotty replied, wandering over to his friend. "Was the signal relay system _that_ messed up?"

Keenser made a face. "Worse." He looked past Scotty to where Kirk stood, hands on his hips, studying the pile of boxes. "Why?"

Scotty glanced back over his shoulder briefly. "Ahh yes, well , that, my friend, is a great man."

Keenser's eyes widened as Kirk bent at the waist and lifted one of the crates with considerable ease, throwing it over his shoulder like it weighed nothing.

"….Yessir, Captain Kirk's always got your back," Scotty continued. The captain bore the massive container on his back before tossing it over his head and depositing it lightly on the ground. Keenser blinked, once, twice. Kirk returned to the stack of boxes.

"Y'know, we're pretty lucky to have him. At least _he's_ willing to lend a hand where it's needed." Kirk lifted another, supporting it on the palm of his hand. A spring in his step, he crossed the length of the cargo bay a second time, laying this one atop the first. Keenser rubbed his eyes, in as much disbelief as his face could betray.

"_Some _captains would consider it beneath them to even lift a finger." This time Kirk seemed to be aware that he was being observed by the bewildered Roylan. He smiled at Keenser and waved before lifting a crate with the index finger of each hand, with seemingly no effort at all.

That was it for Keenser. With no apologies, he backed up slowly before darting out the door like an Olympic sprinter. Scotty frowned, scratching his head. "Now what in the world…."

"Finished." Kirk jogged up next to Scotty. He was barely breaking a sweat, and his cheeks were only faintly pink.

"That was fast…." He looked towards the door again. "Not as fast as Keenser, though. You should've seen the little fella. Ran outta here like we were having a containment breach or summat…." He shrugged. "Now what do ya suppose is eatin' him?"

"Beats me." Kirk shrugged back, but his eyes danced with humor. "Gotta warp."

"Thanks Captain….ya were a real big help." He was just about to clap Kirk on the shoulder when the captain's communicator beeped.

Kirk flipped it open. "Ye'llo."

"Jim, McCoy here. Ya know that little gremlin from Engineering?"

"You mean Keenser, Bones?" Kirk covered his mouth and coughed to hide a laugh.

"Yeah, that's the one. He just came tearing into sickbay like a bat outta hell. Poor guy's a nervous wreck. Wanted me to check his eyesight. When I asked why, all I could get out of him was something about the captain and boxes." McCoy paused. "You know anything about this, Jim?"

Scotty raised an eyebrow at the captain, as if to say, _well?_ Kirk was biting his lip to keep from laughing now. Tears were streaming from his eyes. "I'll – I'll be right there." He clicked the communicator off and snapped it on his belt. Finally he let out a loud howl.

"I dinna see what's so funny about it," Scotty muttered, frowning in concern.

Kirk sucked in a lungful of air, doubled over, hands on his knees. "He – he…saw me….he-" He straightened up and tapped his wristband. "He saw me-"

A light went on Scotty's head. "Ya mean- when you were-"

"Yeah." Kirk wiped his eyes. "Exactly."

Scotty burst out laughing, which set Kirk off again. After several moments, they finally caught their breath. Scotty dragged his sleeve over his wet eyes. "Good heavens…..what he must think…" He shook his head slowly from side to side. "Well….I guess we _both_ owe him an explanation, now, don't we?"

**Note: The ETT was a device mentioned in the 2013 _Star Trek_ video game. For more info, see here: wiki/Engineer_transport_tool**


End file.
